Introducing, a brand new way to ruin your child’s future. An Eid offer for every parent to take advantage of. Now, ruining two futures for the price of one. If your child is already an accomplished student, that’s even better, we give you special opportunities to pay even less to ruin all their dreams and put them where they belong.
Why go the religious sacrificial route this Eid when instead you can sacrifice thousands of children’s lives instead. That’s how we function at the *insert thesaurus picked prestigious name here* School of Excellence. Our motto is to save you as much money as we can so that you don’t have to regret the religious pressure you had to face 13+ years ago when you decided against contraceptives.
Imagine the possibilities with all the money you will save through our once in a lifetime offer. You can buy as many clothes and flaunt to as many relatives this Eid as you want, because outer appearance is the most important thing when it comes to being a desi and we understand that. This will also help you secure all the high quality rishtas (marriage proposals) for your daughters, cajoling all the foolish “haram ki kamai” people who wasted their money in sending their children to expensive schools and colleges so that they could actually work hard in life. Your daughter will be able to enjoy an amazing posh lifestyle because her husband will be away working the whole time while she can easily pass down your ideals to her children carrying forth a brightly shining beacon of ignorance.
Oh and don’t think we only care to mention your daughters, god forgive us for not putting your prized little son first, as you always would prefer to. Obviously you can’t marry away this little burden, he’s supposed to carry your family name, surely he needs a job. Well with all the money you’ll be saving on his education think of all the high level government officials you could bribe to have him stationed nicely in a non-functional government office where he does no work and reaps all the rewards. Even if he does have to work, he too can carry forward the long running traditions of bribery and earn you millions more on your investment. This choice of your’s will be most beneficial to you and your son and his high government post will even get him a fair young wife so you don’t have to be worried about the colour of your grandchildren, god forbid they come out unfair.
All because you chose to take advantage of our Once in A Lifetime Eid offer that we offer yearly at increasing rates but label them the same percentage (we gotta earn too you know).
Not interested in the education prospect ? Care more about your children than you can let on ? Need to actually earn money instead of giving it away? Well look no further we have an offer for you as well. We can give you the contacts of our parent organizations, groups of community “developers” that can help you set-up your own counterfeit private school business at their newest community development project with only a tiny investment.
All you have to do is buy a cheap 2 story building (the more unpainted, corroding and spat on walls, the cheaper the building), find a couple of third rate low quality teacher off of newspaper ads or OLX and send out a mind boggling social media offer just like ours. Voilà! your counterfeit business is now ready to reap you profits. Still not satisfied and want to make some more money on the side? Well no worries there, your school can function as a tuition center in the evening, gathering students from high level private schools that do the same business as you, but their customers have a lot to spend. Get a few good apples to earn you As and A*s and flaunt away your tuition center and teachers with their pictures all across the city, getting your name out there as a “Guaranteed A*” institution, allowing you to charge double and triple for further upcoming students.
Have a nice time contributing in ruining our country’s economic growth and educational health because surely for us all to prosper, the future generations do have to suffer, suffering builds character. They’ll thank you once they have to struggle and realize the *sacrifices* you had to make for their future. If you still have a little bit of conscience well do keep in mind that our forefathers did earn independence so that we could take as much advantage of our new homeland as our colonizers did of us. Oh! Be sure to stay tuned for our independence offer next year where we’ll use thee same tactics to patriotically persuade some more individuals like yourself. It should come in handy after the third child you’re gonna accidentally have from celebrating all the money you’ll be saving.
We hope to see you soon!
This article is purely satire and not an actual Eid offer, though you may find many similar offers throughout the desi Facebook news-feeds that are in no way satire. Please keep an eye out for such counterfeit businesses and please please above all, always keep your child’s future in mind before you make any decisions. Thank you!